Spirituality is never boring. And that is the point right? When we engage in the journey of self-discovery, we have to be willing to feel uncomfortable. We can access our deepest held emotions, dreams and visions, by going within, and releasing what no longer fits or feels right. And with that release we grow. With growth comes change. Change brings ups and downs, and lots of people aren’t comfortable with change or not knowing. The spiritual path allows us to eventually gain balance as we understand ourselves and who we really are at the soul level. We allow for uncertainty by trusting the flow of events as meant for us. But, its not boring, that is for sure.
Sometimes, the experience can be a raw, painful experience. Change may not be comfortable, but it is necessary; in order to live a fulfilling, healthy, happy life. So, people choose to repress emotions, because it is easier not to feel. But when we do it for a lifetime, it leads to unhappiness and ill health which clearly is not easier.
Yet, it can be our very nature, of which we are unaware, or it may be a learned response we witnessed as children. In grief, there is a process and we know this. The situation that results in grief doesn’t happen overnight, nor does grief evolve overnight. Maintaining awareness of our feelings, through presence is the key.
This week, on the first year anniversary of my dear mother’s passing, I experienced a profound confirmation of our inter-connectedness as beings. It occurred around the same time, and on the same day last year, as I said good bye to my dear mother.
A guided meditation was sent to me, from the Plum Monastery, where Thich Nhat Hanh lived and led his spiritual teachings. The video was a way for us to say good bye to Thich’s spirit in recognition of his presence through all things, not only in human form. As I proceeded into the guided meditation, I was met with my grief for my mother’s transition. As I said goodbye to Thich’s spirit, I realized I was also saying good bye to my mother. As she appeared, I began feeling an overpowering emotion of love and grief, realizing in that moment, the beautiful meaning of spirit’s transcendence, beyond death. My mother is everywhere, she is in me, she wasn’t just a body or a personality or a mind.
In that moment of clarity, I realized that I had been holding my breath it seems, for a year. As I held space for other’s healing, had I left myself out of the equation? Was I not holding space for my own healing? I create space to pray and meditate daily, taking time to care for myself, and to listen to my body. And yet, here I am in a remembrance of all that my mother was and is to me, in grief’s evolution, feeling relieved that I had finally accessed the energy of letting go. Even with the knowledge that she is everywhere.
While I was with my mom as her spirit left her human form, I witnessed grace, humanity and yes, peace… in her last breath. For to be with her in the frailty of the end of her human existence, I saw the entirety of it all. I felt the majesty of our connection, the pain of loss, and the fear of not living with her in my life, knowing with certainty that we are a part of each other. It is different, but it is very real.
I release my emotions and I bear witness to grief, as it carries me along the river of life. As I move forward in release, the allowance of eternal flow nourishes my soul with a recognition it has been seeking.